I’m doing a series of … well, see above. Things that people commonly wonder or worry about when starting (or thinking about starting) therapy. Sometimes, I am asked these sorts of questions directly during an initial consultation or an early session. Often, they are implicit in other things that come up. While I will try to answer if I can (and often I can’t, for reasons that I hope will soon become apparent), I will usually also try to help the person think about the questions behind the question. For example, “What are your qualifications?” may be both a straightforward question AND an expression of anxiety about whether I have what it takes to bear their distress/rage/disappointment.
1. Will therapy help me?
Most people who arrive for an initial consultation come with hope. Even if you are in despair, even if you are suspicious or frightened, reaching out to another person when in distress is intrinsically hopeful. But hope for what? Feeling understood, gaining a greater understanding of one’s mind, the alleviation of suffering. These are all things that you may want from therapy, and they are not the same. Sometimes the hope is for a quick fix – for “bad” feelings to be excised as in a surgical procedure. This is understandable when you are suffering – but trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings may be one of the things that has got you to the point of needing help in the first place. So rather than a quick fix, a more realistic hope might be for a relational experience where these feelings which have seemed so unbearable until now can be shared, tolerated and, in time, understood.
Therapy is most likely to help if you see it as something you do in collaboration with the therapist rather than something the therapist does to you. While that might be disappointing initially (“I just want to be anaesthetised, fixed, stitched up and sent home!”) ultimately it is empowering because you are the agent of your own recovery.
Another thing that may be behind this question is, can I change? (And behind THAT may be, MUST I change?). Change can be frightening. It often feels safer to stick with dysfunctional relationships or ways of being, rather than dive into the unknown. Or you might be waiting for everyone around you to change so you don’t have to. And letting go of the familiar-but-unsatisfying can involve mourning, not least for the lost time spent in scared stuckness.
Short answer? Almost certainly yes, if you are prepared to show up and engage and be patient (or be impatient, but keep showing up!). It won’t change your parents or your partner. It may not be the change you had in mind initially. But it will be uniquely yours.
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